THE END OF THE WORLD FILES volume 1. got wood?

We all know the end of the world is coming--long dead, bearded nut cases have been telling us so for years. The scenarios regarding the end of the world are endless(ironically) to ponder. Luckily, scores of Hollywood writers and novelists have done most of the legwork for us. We could face aliens, zombies, mutants,robots, punk bikers in ass-less chaps, or high school English teachers leading armies or murderous marauders. There is also the possibility that the end of will be dull, dreary, and uneventful. Either way--you will need to be prepared.
You should not spend too much money preparing for the end of the world. After all, the face of the Earth could be obliterated by tsunami, sparing only John Cusack and his ex-wife(side note: my spell-check recognizes the word ‘Cusack’, huh.), and you will have wasted all those resources that could have given you so much enjoyment in the final days. Same goes for nuclear war. What if a bomb lands directly on your million-dollar fortified stronghold? Keep it cheap--keep it simple.
At any Home Depot there is a spot at the end of an aisle where they sell culled lumber. These are cut from longer pieces and sold cheap! Fifty cents a piece for four-foot lengths! Buy a bunch of these every few weeks and build something out of them that you will not need at end-times like a TV stand or entertainment center. You can use the four-foot lengths to barricade your doors and windows to weather then end-of-the-world riots. You can also burn them to stay warm. Build a big ugly box and load it up with canned goods! Throw a thrift store table cloth over it and forget about it until the end. Anyone who visits you will assume that you are just a very poor, amateur cabinet maker. This is good because you don’t want people to remember, at the end, that you have lots of stuff that they can steal from you.
If you don’t have a wood stove, then you will need a safe option for heating your home, after all, you didn’t survive this long so that you can asphyxiate yourself. Buy ten feet of stovepipe at Home Depot paint it. Put it together in a unique way and hang it on your wall. People will assume that you’re an artist. When you need it just convert your electric stove to wood. This voids all warranties, so only do it at the end. Most electric ranges have a smoke vent under the back, right-hand burner. Connect your stovepipe there and run it out of the window. Make sure there is a buffer space around the stovepipe as it exits the building to protect the wood or wallboard around it from catching fire. Remember: just because most of your kind is dead, fire safety is still no joke.
Now that you are barricaded and warm with a homemade hope chest full of canned goods(Don’t forget your Swiss Army knife, matches, and candles) you can relax and wait for a neat plot twist to develop!
..................................................to be contiued.