THE LAND OF OPEN

If I were to form my own country, I would name it OPEN. It’s not that silly of a name. There’s one named Oman in the Persian Gulf--that’s pretty close.
The best thing about naming my country OPEN is that there are numerous flag designs already created. All I have to do is go to a flag store and choose one. Better yet, as long as the flag says OPEN, it’s fine. My flag, like my country, will be as diverse as possible. Many businesses in the United States will seem to honor my country--which will be great for tourism, too.
The next best thing about my country named OPEN is the possibility for unlimited puns. We will welcome travelers with OPEN arms. We will have OPEN minds and OPEN hearts. Our borders will always be OPEN. Something something OPEN something OPEN. You get the idea
The third best thing about the country of OPEN is that this will all be true. We will be completely OPEN with our foreign and domestic policies. Our energy programs will OPEN the door for new green technologies. Our judicial system will be OPENminded and fair.
Keep on the lookout for more from the country of OPEN including our complete constitution and the upcoming state of the union address in future posts. Plus, great new flags.

THE ENERGY

How many dead men does it take to heat the average American home? How many cancer patients does it take to operate a plasma television? How many dead fish, and birds, and squirrels, and turtles, and whales does it take to power a car's engine? These are not questions that we usually ask ourselves, but ones we answer unconsciously in the way that we live.
We know that coal mines are dangerous. We know that miners die quite often in them. They die while making their living. They die so that we can have a less expensive form of energy for our homes and businesses. Apparently though, we are fine with the amount that are dying every year. For we still use coal in this country.
Radiation has shown to cause cancer. Nuclear power plants are capable of, and have been known to be, leaking radiation into the ground around them. We must be willing to sacrifice a few more people to cancer, though. For we still operate nuclear power plants in this country.
Oil spills and oil run-off kill countless fish, waterfowl, and aquatic mammals. If we added up all of the animals that were killed by oil pollution every year and divided that number by the number of miles driven in cars in America, we could actually figure out the number of needless animal deaths per mile. It can't be that high, though. For we're still out there driving.
If we can't, as a nation, figure out a way to get our energy without pain and suffering and death, maybe we can at least make it more efficient. Maybe we can figure out how to get energy DIRECTLY FROM THE PAIN AND SUFFERING AND DEATH. We could cut out the middle-man. We could figure out how to run a car on the poisoning death of a duck or otter. We could extract the electricity from the pain caused by a malignant tumor. Maybe we could heat an entire office complex for the winter with one human corpse.
Don't blame me. I just have the ides. You’ll all have to implement them.

THE NAMELESS ONES

In my reckoning, there is no larger transgression on the dignity of human beings than that of the glorification and remembrance of the greatest evildoers in history. In my opinion, evildoers should be erased from existence, keep their evil deeds as object lessons, but forget the person.
Take _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ for example. Who, though seemingly quiet and normal, liked to kill people and freeze their body parts for later consumption. The media followed the story all the way to his grizzly execution. Now his name is practically a household word when the subject of cannibalism is broached. There are even jokes told with his name in them.
What about _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _? He brainwashed young people into murdering others in the late sixties. How many times do we have to hear about him on television while he rots in jail? He was even interviewed on Barbara Walters, I think. Is that really necessary?
What about even the worst of them all, _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _? I would never suggest that we forget The Holocaust, but do we have to remember his name? Is society served by having his books in print? Is it necessary to remember when his birthday is so that future young, crazy, jack-asses can honor it by shooting their classmates?
It is sad that so few of us can even remember the name of one of their victims. Why should the evil be remembered while the innocent are forgotten?
That should be our greatest punishment. Screw the death penalty, take away the identity. Take away their names. Call them nothing for the rest of their lives and ban the uttering or printing of their name forever. There is nothing that potential evildoers like more than a figurehead for their evil cause. Deny them that and many of them have no impetus to do evil.

THE HORSE

The horse is such a pitiful animal. I do not mean that in the sense that the horse is not a fine animal, it is. I just mean that I pity the horse, is all.
The horse used to roam the steppes of Eurasia thousands of years ago. Like many grazing animals, they lived in huge herds dominated by the strongest stallion. Wolves and large cats preyed upon the horses. Even some early humans hunted the horse for meat, though I’m sure that early humans ate a lot more slower animals more often. The horse, with it’s large muscled body and powerful hooves, was also a dangerous animal to prey upon.
Somewhere down the time-line, humans began using the horse as a beast of burden. The horse, in the days before machines, was capable of hauling heavy loads, and was smart enough to navigate rough terrain. The horse was a major factor in the success of human civilization. I think, however, that horses would, if asked, have declined to help out willingly.
The horse today cannot possibly be a happy animal. Sure, we have agreed not to eat them and we give them sugar cubes now and again--but that’s about it. The rest of the horses existence is that of physical abuse, enforced servitude, and captivity.
First, as a horse, you are forced to breed with whatever other horse your owner decides is worthy. Next, your child is likely taken away from you at an early age for training. Special trainers will forcibly break the horse. This means that the horse will learn that there is no point at all of resisting it’s human masters. Race horses are forced to run as fast as possible, literally exhausting themselves at the whim of their miniature human riders. Some horse actually DIE in a race. Some break their leg, at which point they are put to death. Other horses are lucky enough to just trot around a few times a week with their rich owner on their back in a ridiculous looking outfit. They only have to have a metal rod jammed in their mouth and get smacked with a tiny whip now and again. When, as a horse, you have outlived your usefulness--you are most likely shot and made into glue and dog food.
“They like their lives!” shout horse owners. “We love our horse like they were family!” This is exactly what all slave owners have said through the ages. “We give are horses(slaves) everything they could possibly want.”
Face it. Horses are just dumb animals. They have no real feelings. They don’t care what happens to them and they don’t care what happens to their young. They don’t feel pain. They can’t be happy or sad. Their just big flesh and bone machines.
This isn’t my opinion, just my observation. FREE THE HORSES. Let rich people ride really nice bikes.

THE END OF THE WORLD FILES volume 9. what to do with your poo.

There are many opinions about the most important preparations to make for the inevitable end of civilization. Many experts will tell you what food is best and how much to stockpile. There are numerous choices of weapons and their pros and cons. Medical experts may have their individual preferences for supplies and medicines. There are few experts on what to do with your poo.
You may think that, what with the end of the world here and all, disposal of fecal matter is the last thing you should think about. Wrong. It should at least be the fourth thing. After all, with you all hunkered down in your safe house living on canned beans and bottled water, you will soon have to deal with the eventual bowel movement.
Why not just cop a squat?
First, there is little chance that the sewage system will be operating. That usually requires regular maintenance, and I don’t think it will rate as a high priority among the survivors of Armageddon. Without functioning plumbing, your abode will become your ca-mode, and that’s no good. Going outside and finding some bushes to dump behind is also problematic. The last thing you want to do in dangerous post-apocalyptic world is get caught outside with your pants down.
Don't worry that you have to neglect your intestinal well-being, you got options--and they are all cheap and easy to initiate. All options require the same thing first, PICKLE BUCKETS. Pickle buckets are, obviously, buckets that pickles came in. They are white or green and available at any fast-food joint FREE FOR THE TAKING. Take as many as you can, covers included(they fit on nice and tight). If you have no other option, you can do your business directly in these and then seal them shut. Use them as end tables or whatever until you can get rid of them. Just don’t ever open them again.
With just a little more planning, you can get added efficiency from your pickle-bucket-toilets. If you live on the upper floors of an apartment building, you have a few advantages. Thanks to gravity, you can use your actual toilet for quite a while. Use your pickle buckets to store old wash water--stockpile some bleach to add to each bucket--and you can wash those troublesome brown trout right down the tubes and out to sea.
If you live on the ground floor or in the countryside, you need another option. Stockpile some cheap kitty-litter you can make pickle-bucket-human-litter-boxes. Save your wood ashes to sprinkle in after each use and you can keep the odor down considerably. Seal on the lid when you’re done and dump, rinse, and reuse when you can.
In the cushy, pre-apocalyptic world that we live in--our number two is far from our number one concern. It won’t always be this way. We will no longer be able to just flush all our troubles away.

THE COMPARISON TO JESUS

I like Jesus.
I just wanted to get that idea across before I blaspheme a lot. At least that's how others would see it. I like Jesus. I don’t worship Jesus, I just think he was a really cool guy. I think we would have a lot in common if we actually got a chance to kick back and have a few beers on a warm summer night or do a little hiking together. I know what you’re thinking. What does this guy have in common with the great J.C.?
1. We both have weird ideas that alienate us and anger a lot of people. You’ve read some of my other stuff. Can you imagine the reception I would have gotten if I read my posts aloud in the Middle East in the year 30 C.E.? Jesus would have had it a lot easier if blogging existed back then.
2. We both have performed miracles. One time my car stalled on a hill and I couldn’t stop it from rolling towards this reservoir. The brakes had failed. I got out and ran around to the front bummer. I grabbed on with both hands and was dragged along the road. My sandals (Jesus wore sandals also) fell off, but eventually the car stopped rolling. No one was there to see it, but how many people actually witnessed the whole walking on water thing? Also, last week I threw a wadded up tissue like 25 feet and it went in this keg cup on the window sill. This guy at church saw it and everything! You can ask him.
3. We are both very peaceful people. I hate war. I don’t believe in the death penalty and I’m a vegetarian. I have never actually even hit anyone in anger. I don’t spank my kids, either.
4. We both wear the same clothes all the time. Jesus went for the whole sandals and white robe. I prefer the black Ramones T-shirt and Levis thing. Tomato To-mah-toe.
5. I also plan on living forever.
6. Jesus grew long hair and a beard even though he lived in a hot climate, I shave myself bald even though I live in a cold climate.
7. My Mom was actually a virgin. This was, of course, actually before my older brother was born, but that’s pretty close these days.
I was just thinking about this because Easter was coming up this week and my sister is a Born-Again. I just wanted to say that I actually do like Jesus. I think we’re a lot alike. If you get to talk to him, ask him if he thinks so too.

THE BANANA

What's the deal with bananas? Besides the giraffe, the zebra, and that butterfly that doesn't get eaten because it just happens to look like another poisonous butterfly, it is the one thing that makes me believe in creationism. And that the creators had a wicked sense of humor.
I'm not a real fan of bananas. I read that weathy businessmen installed puppet dictators in banana producing countries so that they could make a lot of money. These dictators were brutal and cruel to their people and made them work as banana picking slaves. Also, bananas are spayed with tons of chemicals and there's no way of checking because they are still mostly grown in the same countries of questionable governmental legitimacy. Plus, I prefer apples.
The banana is funny, though. For some reason, it's hard not to put one up to your ear and say "Hello". It is also very phallic. Plus, it's apparently the most slippery thing in the world.
I have never actually seen anyone slip on a banana peel. According to our comedy movies and television shows, this happens quite a bit. I've slipped on a cucumber, a piece of raw chicken, rotten lettuce, dog poop, cat poop, baby poop, cow poop, ice cubes, butter, and numerous other items but never a banana peel. Last week was the first time in my life that I actually saw a banana peal on a walking surface. It was right in the middle of the sidewalk. I took a picture of it and then put it in the trash (I didn't want to take any chances). I looked around for a movie crew, but I didn't see one.
Was there ever a time and place that banana peels were commonly on floors and walkways? I can't imagine that people would see them. They are bright yellow and brown, after all.
I’ve never seen anyone slip on an oil slick either, but that’s another story for another time.

THE END OF THE WORLD FILES volume 8. your underpants.

In these days of everyday laundering, one’s undergarments are optional. Presently underwear is largely worn for aesthetic or recreation reasons. It is often forgotten that this was not always the case. Pants, shirts, coats, and dresses were made of different stuff in the olden days. Old-fashion fabrics would not stand up to being washed every day no matter how much All-Temperature Cheer you used. Clothes took too long to dry and houses were too drafty to be hanging out in damp clothes if you wanted to live to be an elderly 40 year old. Indoor plumbing and washing machines did not exist, anyway. Another thing that did not exist was toilet paper. That’s right. We have forgotten that the original function of our unmentionables was to keep our privates from funking up our public--clothes that is.
Those days are coming again. The number of normal number twos is numbered. Toilet paper supplies will not last long. Indoor plumbing will cease well before then, and outerwear will become too precious a commodity to be pooping up regularly. Oh. What’s that? You’ll just be careful? I think you are forgetting about the very real possibility of UNPLANNED DEFECATION.
Sure, you might be a couple decades too old to poop your pants and a couple decades too young to start again, but the end of the world is going to mess up that time table as sure as you’re going to mess up your Fruit of the Looms. Face it, when you kill your first zombie or have a mutant jump out of your going to be scared like you never have been before. Unless you’re Bruce Campbell incarnate--you’re dropping a deuce. Now, this is not the end of the end of the world if this happens. You just have to prepare.
You need underpants. I’m here to help. You could simply stock up on underpants, but that idea has three drawbacks. (1) They don’t make underpants like they used to. The fabric is too week to stand up to the rigors of the survivalist lifestyle and they are not very absorbent. (2) The comfort level of modern underpants is not suitable for extended wear. The waistband is constrictive or saggy and the leg-holes chaff considerably. (3) You can’t make anything out of underpants but underpants. The garment that you need to focus on is tough, absorbent, versatile, and abundant. I’m talking about the ordinary, everyday, 100% cotton T-shirt my friends.
The T-shirt is a wonder! You can obviously wear it as a shirt--but few people know of it’s other uses. If you cut carefully starting at the bottom and cut keep the cut 2 inches wide, you can make a strip of fabric that is over 25 feet long out of just the torso part of the shirt. This can be used for boot laces, braided for rope, or woven into a blanket. The sleeves make great headbands or hand-warmers. And, of course, if you put your legs through the arm holes and tie the bottom of the shirt around your waist--you have comfortable, homemade underpants.
You can save the same shirts and always use them for underpants, or alternate tops and bottoms for more wardrobe options. Either way, they’re great! The arm holes fit snug around the thigh, but they don’t chaff the sensitive regions. The neck-hole can be pinned shut, or just left open for easy access. They also make great shorts in the summer (assuming you don’t do lots of cartwheels) or swim trunks.
Using them as swim trunks is also a fun way to wash them.
The possibilities are as endless as the world isn’t!

THE FEMINIST CHRONICLES part II. the rapist.

I have studied quite a bit about sexual abuse and rape. I have come across statistics time and again that state that one in three women have been raped or sexually abused. I am not inclined to argue with this statistic. I have know many women that have been sexually abused and it seems to (if I were to count) be very close to 33% of the women that I have known. Rape and sexual abuse is, and I can’t imagine anyone arguing it, a serious problem in our culture.
The problem of rape and sexual abuse exists, but the focus is largely on the victim--not the perpetrator. I’m not even referring to punishment, though important, but to those who would become rapists and abusers. Think about the statistic I mentioned earlier that 1 in 3 women will have been raped or sexually abused. If this is the case, then why are there no statistics on how many men ARE actually rapists and abusers?
Is the question not a valid one? Doesn’t it raise one’s awareness of the scope of rape and sexual abuse to look around and realize that one of every three women that you see has been a victim of rape or sexual abuse? Would it not raise awareness more still to be able to look around and realize that 1 out of(x) men is a rapist or abuser? There must be a way to determine this number.
I am not a statistician, but I have noticed that they seem to have a way of accounting for abuse victims that do not report the abuse. Can't they account for abusers and rapists that have not been caught yet? Doesn’t anyone else feel that this number is important? I think that if the number was known, those men that weren’t abusers would darn well want everyone to know it.
It would be a refreshing turn-around if men had to take special pains to make certain that everyone knew that they were definitely not rapists or abusers. Men would be on the defensive for a change if they knew what portion of their number were rapists. Wouldn’t they?
Why should all of the onus, after all, be on the victim?

THE FEMINIST CHRONICLES part I. the intro.

I don't see a problem with being a male and writing feminist commentary. It might not endear me to the male population at large, but I could really care less. The fact is that there are a lot of problems with our sexist culture that are deeply ingrained and the problems were created and perpetuated by who?…. you guessed it…. men.
Women did not create the sexist climate that we all live in. Contrary to the Bible--women are not the root of all evil. I’m sure the story of Eve & Adam would be different if women were allowed to write when the Bible was in the pre-publishing stage.
Most of the problems with sexism is our culture is blazingly obvious. Women are not on equal footing with men in the workplace. Women are portrayed poorly in the media. Women are under-represented in our government. Women bear an unfairly large burden of the childcare in our culture.
Other problems with sexism in our culture are seemingly innocent yet insidiously ever-present. Men’s names are nearly always written first when a letter is addressed to a heterosexual couple. Men almost always drive when going somewhere in a vehicle. Men ALWAYS ride in front on a tandem bicycle. The phrase he/she or his/hers is used instead of she/he or hers/his. Some professions add an 'ess' when the professional is female as in actress and seamstress. People say “Hi boys and girls” rather than the other way around. These are all ingrained signs that men should come before women and that women are considered diminutive to men. Why else would our language be like this? It is certainly not random.
Little things like the way we speak may not seem as important as other problems that women face in our culture, but I believe it to be important none-the-less. If the way that women are thought of was changed on such a subtle and unconscious level, then maybe it would become easier to change the big problems.

THE LOST CONSCIENCE. chapter 3 of the america actually kinda sucks sometimes series.

It was common thought, just a few hundred years ago, that Native Americans were intellectually and morally inferior to people of Western European descent aka white folk. It has been a trend of behavior by said white folk since the beginning of white folk history. It is noted in the historical white folk attitude towards any culture that is not predominantly white. But I digress--this post is not actually about racism.
This post is about conscience, or lack thereof in the white folk culture. This is not just an American problem. It is evidenced in Russia, Europe, The Middle East, Asia, and--wait--oh yes, everywhere on the face of the Earth now. It exists now in countries that are not predominantly white folked---and in the idea of fairness to white folk, the concept actually pre-dates the white folk world franchise. It goes way back to a cautionary tale from the best-selling book ever. A little tale called The Story of Adam and Eve. Besides being a story that kicked-off the trend of blaming women for our downfall(which is a story for an upcoming post) It is a tale of lost innocence. Or, as I see it--Lost Conscience.
It is not surprising that the Abrahamic traditions are peppered with this same theme. The garden of eden, sinning, forgiveness, accepting that we are not perfect, etc. These are all ways to justify the harm that we have done due to our lack of conscience--to justify continuing to do said harm. The religious would argue that we do this because we are imperfect and seek forgiveness. The non-religious have modified this and seek to reduce our impact--not eliminate it, mind you, but reduce it. By accept this model we must believe that we cannot change things for the better--only make them not as bad as quickly. This is a convenient excuse for NOT WANTING TO CHANGE. Because we have no conscience. If we had a conscience, we would not be able to continue. Need some examples?
Our ancestors destroyed an entire race of people so that we could have a place to live. Our ancestors then enslaved another race of people so that we could have cheap labor. Our ancestors then invented horrible weapons so that we could scare the rest of the world into letting us run things. We then began ruining the environment with toxic chemicals because we needed the energy for our cars, homes, and businesses. We then began systematically destroying our food supply and that of the world with chemicals and preservatives and genetic modification. We abused animals so that we could test new medicines and skin-care products. We abused more animals for low-cost meat, milk, and eggs. It is actually hard to think of a bad thing that our culture has NOT done in the last four hundred years or so.
There is a class of criminal that psychologists will label as having no conscience. Psychologists even think that this may be a physical disorder--that a part of the brain is damaged--the part that contains our conscience. These people feel no guilt for their actions and therefor repeat them. Serial killers often fall into this category--And before you get mad at me for comparing our entire culture to serial killers, just try to think about it for a minute.
While we don’t all have a family in our freezer--many of us do have the remains of abused animals--we just call them dinner.(Sorry, I don’t get to be an angry vegetarian in the real world much!) Most of us drive cars--which continually spit out poison--regardless of their efficiency rating. Most of us use electricity--made in part by nuclear reactors that create tons of toxic waste. Most of use use paper, and cardboard, and wood for our houses, even though we know that the world needs more trees. Many people litter--there’s too much trash for it to be an isolated incident. Most of us waste water every day by flushing the toilet, brushing teeth, showering, laundering, etc. We tell ourselves that we need to do all these things--but we actually just WANT to do all these things. That’s the actions of a people with no conscience.
It's what held back the Native Americans from becoming are major world power during the 50,000 years they were here. They had a conscience. They actually felt bad about killing animals for food. They asked the animal’s spirit to forgive them. They never took more from the world than they needed. They actually CARED about how they lived. If it were not for the Native American’s conscience, our ancestors would have landed on the heavily defended shores of a land that was already barren and polluted. We would have been turned away from a land that we would not have wanted anyway.
Aren’t we lucky that was not the case?

THE AMERICAN WHAT? chapter 2 of the america actually kinda sucks sometimes series

America is often referred to as the best country on Earth. We are all reminded of this every Memorial Day when everyone gets drunk and pigs out on barbecue. We are reminded of it again every Independence Day when everyone gets drunk and pigs out on barbecue again. And I am oddly in agreement with all the fat, drunk, flag wavers out there--America is the best country in the world.
The problem that I have is that, while I have great respect for our veterans, I don’t think they are the entire reason. I certainly don’t think our government is the reason that America is so great. America was not made great by our “inventive nature” or our “free spirit”. Considering our country’s history the question should not be “Why is our country so great?” but “How could our country NOT be so great?”.
When the first Western European colonists came to what would someday be America, there was little to stand in the way of them doing whatever they wanted. Sure, occasionally the natives would destroy our settlements (and, in retrospect, it kinda looks like self-defense now, doesn’t it?) but soon many of them were dead from being infected by European diseases which they had no immunity to and also we called in troops to kill the rest. After that we rounded up the survivors, cut their hair, taught about Jesus, and forbid them to speak their native language. We then tuned them into alcoholics so that we could steal the rest of the land that they lived on.
Next, we cut down as many trees as we could on what was then the largest unspoiled piece of real estate on the planet. We created huge fields in the southern portions that could be planted with a variety of crops. Then, due to our creative spirit, we figured out a great way to work these fields without machinery(because machines hadn’t been invented yet). We bought and sold millions of Africans because we didn’t consider them real humans and used them as slave labor for a couple hundred years.
Next, when slavery became unfashionable, we made it illegal and instead started sweatshop textile mills that made massive wealth by exploiting women and children for nearly free labor in dangerous work environments where many actually died from accident or exhaustion. When sweatshops became unfashionable in the U.S., we opened them in third-world countries instead.
After that we would invent nuclear weapons and become the only country in the world to kill tens of thousands of innocent people in a split second in order to end a horrible war a little bit early. After that, we would spend the next 60 years invading countries for no good reason.
America is a steroid-laden baseball player--breaking all the rules and winning all the games. So I ask you--How could we lose? How could we NOT be great?

THE PREFACE. chapter 1 of the america actually kinda sucks sometimes series

The idea for this series started with the post that follows this preface. As I began to compose it, I realized that there was a lot about the world today and it’s people that I did not like and that I would likely lose most of my readers if I were to write it all in one post--hence, the series.
I do not hate America, per se, in the sense that I want to bring down the infrastructure from within. I do not hate our country’s veterans except for the ones that I hate for reasons besides their being veterans. I respect all veterans for what they have been through. I even fly an American flag on a couple national holidays and all. So--to reiterate--no veteran hating here.
I also do not hate the government. I think it could work pretty well with the help of a massive overhaul. I even like some politicians. I still like Obama pretty well, though it’s early yet. He had me sold with the speech that he made when he won that senate race but I don’t care for his views on nuclear power. Oh well--we'll see. Strike two, don’t hate the government.
I also do not want to leave this country. Conservatives always say the same thing, "If you don't like it here then why don't you leave?" For one thing, I don’t have the money to leave. I was born into a working class family, and as a rule we working-class types don’t usually ever make enough dough to be world travelers. The Madonnas and Johnny Depps of the world can do stuff like that--we can't. I don’t dislike America all of the time--but face it, this country is not a 24/7 jump-castle.
I am not an America hater, but nor am I a flag waving, hand over the heart, hat removing, red, white, and blue CAR RIBBON STICKER APPLYING PATRIOT. There’s a lot of crap around here to fix. If I can’t do it, I’m at least going to point it out.

THE END OF THE WORLD FILES volume 7.wardrobe.

There are those that will consider the choice of one’s wardrobe to be a frivolous concept when it concerns the end of the world. After all, billion of lives have abruptly ended and those of us who survive are faced which unspeakable horrors on a daily basis. You may have just buried the family next door so that the smell of their rotting bodies does not attract mutant vermin. You may have just decapitated the animated corpse of your 8th grade English teacher because she tried to eat your brain. Marauders may have enslaved your Mom and Dad. Does it really matter what you are wearing?

OF COURSE IT DOES!

End of the world attire must be the perfect blend of rugged functionality and bad-ass intimidation. You don’t want to risk fighting if you don’t have to, and though a set of Carhardt coveralls might be strong, warm, and waterproof--they do not scream Don’t MESS WITH ME. That’s why I recommend the classic black leather biker jacket. Leather never goes out of style and that’s true for the end of the world, too. The jacket was designed to protect the human torso from hitting asphalt at high velocity so it also protects against claws, teeth, sticks, rocks, and knives. Plus, it is warm, windproof, and waterproof. The many zippered pockets allow you to carry multiple small objects like keys, poison darts, or detonators without losing them. It also looks bitchin’!

Ponchos are waterproof, but often flammable, brightly colored, and you look about as intimidating as a golf tournament spectator. I recommend a 1940s Dutch military issue motorcycle trench coat. It is completely waterproof, olive drab, has leg straps to keep it from billowing in the wind, and slits in the side for reaching hip-holstered shotguns and such. You may also choose a hooded wool cloak for colder climates.

For footwear there is no substitute for the Doc Marten boot. The leather is supple, and the air cushion soles will make you feet indefatigable on long scavenging runs. Also great for kicking heads in.

A many-pocketed rucksack or messenger bag is a useful and attractive accessory. Levi Strauss jeans (either blue or black) are tough enough to take a lot of abuse and still make a fashion statement.

It’s the end of the world--not the end of fashion. Whether you are overthrowing an alien caretaker government or leading the last non-mutant group of school children to safety, you have to think about your appearance. Even if it comes to the point where someone is later stumbling across your mutilated remains, you want to hope that they look down and say, “That dude looks AWESOME!”

THE WAGE GAP

In these economic hard times you will heAR a lot of talk about the unemployed. The unemployment rate in the United States is now at 10%, after all. Much more infrequently you will heAR some politician mention the under-employed. This group includes people who work full-time but do not make enough money. Same said politician will then state that the key to helping the under-employed is to train them to allow them to get better, higher-paying jobs with benefits and such. You will then here nothing more about the under-employed for quite a while after that. It is as if trusted advisors slapped the politician silly after the speech was done. They might have done so to get this politician to see that the idea of getting the under-employed better paying jobs is ridiculous.

How is it that every worker in our country is going to have a high-paid technical job? Is every worker in our country going to be a doctor, lawyer, politician, or administrator? Is everyone else going to run their own business? Are all of the rest going to be professors, teachers, and technicians? What a wonderful country that would be.

Now what do you do at the end of the week in this new utopia where everyone has a high-paid technical career? Do you take the family and go shopping at the mall? Who's going to ring up your purchases? Do you go to the movies? Who’s going to clean up after the last crowd so you have a clean seat? Who’s going to sell you your ticket? Who’s going to pop your corn? Do you go out for a pizza after? Who’s going to wash the dishes, make your food, bring it to you, clean the bathroom, and bus your table? Who’s going to monitor the parking garage where you left your car? Who’s going to watch your kids, for that matter, while your out making lots of money at your fancy new job?

These positions that I just mentioned are where the under-employed are. They are working at jobs that no one respects enough to pay a decent wage for. They are working at child-care centers, old folks homes, and restaurants where the climate is so competitive that the owners have to keep prices(and therefor wages) low. These workers work as hard every day as doctors and lawyers yet they make a tiny fraction of a doctor’s or lawyer’s salary.

People need a living wage, but they’re never going to get it. Doctors who make $150,000 dollars a year would never pay the price for a pizza that would allow a pizza cook to buy a little house and have health insurance and send his kids to college. Lawyers that make $100,000 a year would not want to pay twice or three times as much for childcare so that preschool teachers could have health insurance. People who make money at any of these RESPECTED jobs would never want someone to make a living at an UNRESPECTED job.

Remember: The only way that they can tell themselves from us is that they have a big pile of money.

THE HAPPY PROSTITUTE

You don’t hear much about prostitution these days. I’m assuming it still goes on. I don't get a newsletter or anything so I'm a little out of the loop. I know a few years ago there was some big-time senator that had a high-priced call-girl on retainer and got in trouble for it. That’s all I’ve heard recently. I’m sure prostitution is still illegal. It probably would have made a big splash in the news if they had legalized it.

Sweden has a neat twist on dealing with the problem of prostitution, they arrest the john, but not the prostitute. This makes sense to me. Studies show that it has significantly reduced prostitution in Sweden, also. After all, without johns, there is no need for prostitutes.

There is a tendency, in America, to either demonize or glorify the prostitute. The john is either treated as a weak man that was enthralled by this professional succubus, or a pathetic man that can’t find women for free. Either attitude demonizes the woman and lets the man off the hook.

The glorification of the prostitute is an American societal creation that seems to support the choice of the woman in her profession, but actually serves to further argue for the innocence of the man. In the film Pretty Woman, Julia Roberts plays a prostitute that somehow manages to service only really rich clients (without a pimp, mind you) and apparently is saving money to start her own business. She doesn’t do drugs, either. In the film Milk Money, Melanie Griffith plays a prostitute that gets hired by a 10 year old boy to be his dad’s girlfriend (which she somehow agrees to do!) and eventually becomes his mom. "Hey Jimmy! What does your Mom do?" “She’s a retired prostitute.” If it couldn’t get any worse, Rebecca DeMornay plays a prostitute in Risky Business that cleverly makes lots of money pimping for her girlfriends while blackmailing Tom Cruise(though I like the blackmailing Tom Cruise part).

The fact is that society, contrary to the movies, does not respect prostitutes at all. When is the last time you were introduced to a prostitute? Prostitutes, according to studies, have likely histories of sexual abuse as children. The majority of prostitutes are on drugs. Many of them are runaways. Some are probably abductees. Many end up murdered and nobody really cares that much. Rarely do you hear news stories and public outcry for the prostitutes that are murdered most likely every day in this country.

We, as Americans, just want to hear the good stories. The fake stories, played by a girl-next-door kind of actor. We love the story of the prostitute or the stripper or the porn star that is just working their way through a business degree. We let ourselves believe that this is the majority.

Remake Pretty Woman. Have Richard Gere play the john still, but this time have the prostitute played by a 18 year old male Vietnamese actor. Sorry. No one would go see that. We only like pretty white female prostitutes here. What fantasy land for hypocrites!

THE END OF THE WORLD FILES volume 6. alternative energy.

Torches and wood fires are all well and good after the collapse of civilization--but fire is inconvenient at it’s best. You must always hold a torch--you can’t tuck it under your arm like a flashlight. You can’t install a dimmer switch on a torch. You can’t start a fire when things are soaking wet. You can’t turn down a fire to save the rest for later. For convenience and versatility, you need alternative energy sources.
There are a few that you can plan ahead with. Crank or solar flash lights are useful. Their charge is renewable and some are even water-proof. I have one with a 9 LED lantern and a built in radio. I have a rechargeable 2-way radio and a rechargeable short-wave radio with a built in light. These little gadgets are great, and I recommend purchasing a few. For larger alternative energy needs--we need to take it up a notch.
Now, if I had the where-with-all, I would install solar panels now. You can't beat the reliability of having a back-up power source like solar. Unfortunately, I don’t have that kind of cash, nor will I likely before the end of the world. I do have an idea on where to get it in desperate, lawless times.
Have you ever seen those electronic message boards by the highway, or those speed-limit signs that tell you how fast you are going? Those run on solar power. Always keep an eye for where they at an given time. When the end comes--just go ‘shopping’. It wouldn’t be hard to set them up and run anything you want off of them.
There are also going to be lots of abandoned vehicles at the end of the world. Many people will, or at least have tried to, have siphoned off the gasoline. This s fine. Who needs gasoline. It is dirty and loud to operate gas-powered generators. Anyone or anything that can see, hear, or smell will know where you are and what you are up to. Instead, collect the car batteries. If the lights were not left on, these should have some charge in them. Wire them together to power your perimeter alarm. You can run an electric space heater off a one for hours. Definitely a

worthwhile back-up source of alternative energy.
Collect some boards, black paint, PVC tubing, and window panes and you can build a solar water heater. Pipe the water through more conduit in your dwelling and you can stay warmer with the ambient heat.
Collect all the Sterno that you can. Sterno is an alcohol-based solid fuel that comes in a can. Pop the top and light it and it will burn with a hot, clean, invisible flame for hours. You can cook over it or use it to stay warm.
Hand-warmer packets are great to stockpile for emergencies. Open a couple and toss them into our bed-roll and snuggle right in there with those bad boys. You will be quite toasty. My wife and I did this to stay warm during the three days without heat in the ice storm of '98.
Candles, though seemingly simplistic, are a valuable asset. Again during the ice storm of '98, we found that we could significantly raise the temperature in our apartment by lighting a dozen candles. BE CAREFUL! Candles can be a serious fire hazard. There is no need to run out, either. Scavenge at art supply stores after the initial looting. I guarantee no one will think to loot the Crayons. You can melt them and make then into candles. Don’t forget churches, they have lots of candle if they’re the right denomination. Restaurants will have them, also. Party stores will have them AND Sterno also.
There are others. Think creatively. Just because we will be knocked back to the stone age, it doesn’t mean we have to live with fire alone.