THE BELOVED DICTATOR

There are many things about this country I would change if I were the dictator. I say 'dictator' and not 'president' because I know I could never get anything accomplished with our present set-up. I would not be one of those mean dictators, however. I would be a beloved dictator. People would hang pictures of me in their homes without a mandate. People would salute me when I walked by, not out of fear, but because of my fab ideas and winning personality. Lets begin with all few ideas now and we will revisit this idea as my dictatorial campaign rolls on.
Idea #1: How do we fix heath care? This is simple, and we will fix many other things with the solution. The answer: abolish the insurance industry. Insurance companies make huge profits every year because they scare us into paying them tons of money just in case we get really sick. The fact is that most people with insurance do not get so sick that they use up all the money that they put in. The rest goes in the pockets of the insurance companies. There is more than enough money floating around in the insurance industry to provide simple, preventative care for everyone in this country if no one had to worry about the almighty profit margin. All of the out of insurance agents can get real jobs actually helping people.
Idea #2: How do we win the war on terror? Answer: Don't fight it. Trying to win a war against terrorism is like challenging the ground to a game of chicken while sky-diving. We used to be the terrorists back in the day when the British owned our country. How did that work out? There are always going to be more terrorists because you are just going to piss-off terrorists-to-be when you kill the existing terrorists. So unless you're prepared to kill everyone in the area and start over (which is probably illegal and gets you in the express line to Hell at any rate) you need a non-violent strategy. Here it is. Terrorists have followers and get more followers because of the respect gained from their supposed righteousness and probably a little fear. BUT WHO IS AFRAID OF JUST ONE MAN. You have to earn some credibility in order to lead others. Killing your followers if they don't follow gets you nothing but dead followers. Instead of fighting, lets use our best weapon: THE MEDIA. Whip up thousands of leaflets that show said terrorist watching Cinemax and drinking wine coolers with George Bush. Release films of him making out with farm animals. Immediately release a fake response to this having an actor play him and dig himself further in the hole with dozens of subtle slips of the tongue. I'm sure Quentin Tarentino would be up to it. The terrorists reputation would be toast in no time. Draft the cast of SNL. Get Speilberg in there with some CGI!
Idea #3: The drug problem. How do we solve the drug problem? Legalize everything, keep it from crossing state lines, and make drugs only available for sale at farmers markets. This includes alcohol and tobacco. Certain areas would have certain drugs and that would be that. Who would want to traffic heroin when you can buy some high-quality, cheap homegrown weed right here? We can keep big companies from making huge profits and ban advertising of drugs altogether.
Oh, I've got tons of ideas. You got a problem with this country and I will come up with a way to fix it. REIGN ON, OH BELOVED RULER!