THE END OF THE WORLD FILES volume 5. gardening.

It is only March at the time of this writing, so it is still a little early to really work out in my garden--the ground still frozen and all. That doesn’t stop me from planning the garden, though, or starting some seeds right now. Fresh fruits and veggies are tasty and nutritious and you should learn the basics of growing your own now. Don’t let the end of the world be the end of your healthy eating habits.
Starting your own garden is fun and rewarding. You can have a garden virtually anywhere with the proper planning. Composting will be a must once the garbage collector stops coming, but don’t wait--start now. Take all of your fruit and veggie peels, egg shells, coffee grounds, weeds, grass clippings, brown paper bags, leaves, cow chips(poop), horse apples(more poop), and moose scat(yep, poop) and put it in an enclosed pile and let it rot. Turn it with a pitchfork and soon you will have the perfect homemade fertilizer.
Next yo will need seeds. You can save seeds from mature tomatoes, squash, pumpkins, herbs and such. You know those potatoes that you had from last harvest that are wrinkly and covered with sprouts? Well you can plant those, too. You can also keep a stock of high-end store-bought seeds, but they get old and don’t grow after a few years. Start these early inside near a south-facing window that doesn’t need to be boarded up(third story or attic skylight to be safe. Bury them in a shallow container of dirt and keep them moist until they sprout and then separate out the strong shoots to put into even bigger pots alone. They will get big and strong by the time it is ready to plant outdoors.
Choosing a site for your garden is the next important step. The spot needs to have as much sun as possible. There needs to be ready access to water(have rain barrels to collect rain water for the dry months) if the climate is such that you will need to compensate for poor rainfall. Make sure the garden is protected from animals and human vegetable thieves. A good size wood fence will keep animals out and keep nosy humans from noticing that a garden is present. Roof-top gardens are easily defensible, but you have to haul all of the earth--which is a lot of work. Large container gardens are great for city-dwellers, but you are limited in your amount of crop yield. Choose the option that best suits your needs.
Learn how to can and you can enjoy your produce year round. You, ll be eating homemade tomato sauce and dilly beans in mid-winter while your mutant neighbors live on raw rats and icicles. Potatoes keep well. So do carrots, turnip, onions, garlic, and squash. You can dry your own herbs for year-round flavorful cooking.
Plant some apple seeds and grow your own orchard. It takes 8-10 years but hey, you’re not going anywhere. It’s worth the wait because besides dry apple chips and canned apple sauce, you can brew your own hard cider. Hire on a few trusted hands for farm work and security and you can begin bartering with others for cool stuff like guns and ammo if you want, or solar battery chargers, fuel, swords and tools--you name it.
Who runs Barter-town? You run Barter-town.

THE END OF THE WORLD FILES volume 4. homebrew.

The end of the world is going to be rough, and we will need to find a way to cope with the stress once in a while. Even nowadays stress is a big part of our lives. There’s nothing quite like a cold beer at the end of the day, a shot of whiskey at the end of a really hard day, or a glass of wine to wind done in the evening. Now, whatcha gonna do when the liquor stores are long empty and you have to fight zombies, robots, or your fellow humans-become-enemies? How are you going to cope with that stress if you can’t even sell insurance all day without needing a drink?
Unless you become a monk(which I’m not knocking because it is a perfectly acceptable end-of-the-world sort of vocation), you’re going to want a regular supply of alcohol. I know that I will not be able to handle the end of the world without it. So what do you do? You make it yourself, that’s what you do.
People have been making their own booze for thousands of years. Every culture has a preference because of the availability of supplies(which will become an issue again when import shops are history) and every area has their own variant. Distilling (to make liquor) is dangerous and time consuming, so I recommend fermentation.
There are many fermented beverages. Beer and wine are both fermented beverages that you can make yourself. I prefer hard cider and mead. Hard cider is made from fresh-pressed apple juice and mead is made from raw honey and water. There are books and pamphlets and web-sites that can explain all this easily. All you need to buy is some fermentation locks(you can also make your own) and a carboy (big glass jug). If you keep everything as clean as possible, you can ferment your cider or mead to 5% without adding sugar. If you have sugar(or lots more honey) you can add as much as you want and ferment it all the way to 14%. I live up north so apple trees abound. You can build a bee hive to attract bees for honey.
Careful, this stuff can give you a powerful hangover. But hey, a hangover is not the end of the world--and it’s nice to know that the end of the world is not the end of the hangover.

THE END OF THE WORLD FILES volume 3. scavenging.

The word “scavenging” reeks of desperation. One may have visions of seagulls in the McDonald's parking lot or raccoons tipping over garbage cans. As civilized humans, these images are displeasing to us. After the fall of civilization, we may think better of seagulls and raccoons. After all, they are simply natural creatures that are doing their best to survive in a world that has changed around them. They are, in fact, both very adept scavengers.
Scavenging is both an art and a science. You must know what you need and how and where to find it--and you must be creative enough to think outside of the box.
Example: Suppose you require food. Where would you find it? Maybe you should march to the grocery store and, since civilization has collapsed, just take what you need. Right? WRONG! Do this and you’ll end up being somebody’s dinner yourself. This is exactly what all of the panicking, uncreative thinkers will be considering. You will get to the grocery store and there will either be a wholesale war going on or the winner of a war already happened and the victor will be waiting to pounce on the next hungry soul that walks in. Perhaps the victor(s) decided "Why move all this stuff? Why not just set up shop and stay here?" which is just what they’ll do. They’ll spend years defending that grocery store against the desperate, starving masses. Maybe they’ll be over run some day. Maybe not. One thing is for certain, you want no part of this mayhem.
With a little creative thinking, you can avoid this mess. All you need to do is think of a place that has food that people would not think of right away. Take your time. If you’re smart and it still takes you awhile to think of it, then it’s probably a good idea that others would overlook.
How about churches? They have pantries tucked in the back for coffee hours and such that tend to be stocked with non-perishable items. Find out where your local food shelf is, most people in your community will never have been there and will not think of it right away. Gas stations that only do repairs(not quick stops) generally have candy machines that you can break into when you don't have to worry about being careful. Re-check looted quick stops that have been cleaned out and look under the coffee counter. There are often back-up cases of sugar packets. Tanning salons and gyms will have vitamin supplements and/or protein powder, power bars, and bottled beverages. Re-check snack bars or fast food joints that have been looted and look big jugs of fryer oil that other people would not see as food but, of course, is very high in calories. Florists sell flowers, which you can't eat, but also often chocolates,which you can.
Make this creative thinking into a party game until the end. Write down the ideas and be ready.

THE END OF THE WORLD FILES volume 2. guns?

There is something about the notion of the end of the world that puts one thought into many people’s minds--I NEED TO GET LOTS AND LOTS OF GUNS! For some reason, guns are perceived to be the answer to survival. What are you going to do? Hunt with them? Do yo know how hard hunting is? As a species, we’ve made it difficult for wildlife to live in numbers necessary to sustain us, plus hunting burns way to many calories unless you have lots of beer and potato chips back at camp. Besides, you can build traps to catch wildlife with little effort if you really can’t swear off meat. Give me canned beans any day. B&M maple and brown sugar vegetarian are the best! They’re packed with calories, fiber, and protein and I could eat them every day, plus, (if they’re on sale) $20 can buy you a month’s supply if you eat them for every meal. Pick up a large stock of One 'a Day vitamins for the rest of your necessary nutrients and you can eat virtually gun-free at the end.
Personal protection is another reason people crave guns when thinking of end times, but what are the real benefits? Zombies are easier to kill will a couple of machetes than with rifles or handguns. Aliens will likely have shielding against simple projectile weapons. Mutants don’t tend to care much about living or dying and tend to have enhanced powers anyway. Shooting a lot of other humans carries bad moral connotations and you may become a target by other gun nuts. Also, you will eventually run out of ammunition and get to the point where you have to trade candy to long-haired dirty kids that can’t talk for extra shells--it’s just pathetic.
So stock up on canned goods and lay low. The gun people will shoot each other or themselves before too long. You don’t need guns. If you want them, you can just take then from corpses after the fact.
Strike that…. reverse it. Buy lots of guns! (insert nonchalant whistling)

THE END OF THE WORLD FILES volume 1. got wood?

We all know the end of the world is coming--long dead, bearded nut cases have been telling us so for years. The scenarios regarding the end of the world are endless(ironically) to ponder. Luckily, scores of Hollywood writers and novelists have done most of the legwork for us. We could face aliens, zombies, mutants,robots, punk bikers in ass-less chaps, or high school English teachers leading armies or murderous marauders. There is also the possibility that the end of will be dull, dreary, and uneventful. Either way--you will need to be prepared.
You should not spend too much money preparing for the end of the world. After all, the face of the Earth could be obliterated by tsunami, sparing only John Cusack and his ex-wife(side note: my spell-check recognizes the word ‘Cusack’, huh.), and you will have wasted all those resources that could have given you so much enjoyment in the final days. Same goes for nuclear war. What if a bomb lands directly on your million-dollar fortified stronghold? Keep it cheap--keep it simple.
At any Home Depot there is a spot at the end of an aisle where they sell culled lumber. These are cut from longer pieces and sold cheap! Fifty cents a piece for four-foot lengths! Buy a bunch of these every few weeks and build something out of them that you will not need at end-times like a TV stand or entertainment center. You can use the four-foot lengths to barricade your doors and windows to weather then end-of-the-world riots. You can also burn them to stay warm. Build a big ugly box and load it up with canned goods! Throw a thrift store table cloth over it and forget about it until the end. Anyone who visits you will assume that you are just a very poor, amateur cabinet maker. This is good because you don’t want people to remember, at the end, that you have lots of stuff that they can steal from you.
If you don’t have a wood stove, then you will need a safe option for heating your home, after all, you didn’t survive this long so that you can asphyxiate yourself. Buy ten feet of stovepipe at Home Depot paint it. Put it together in a unique way and hang it on your wall. People will assume that you’re an artist. When you need it just convert your electric stove to wood. This voids all warranties, so only do it at the end. Most electric ranges have a smoke vent under the back, right-hand burner. Connect your stovepipe there and run it out of the window. Make sure there is a buffer space around the stovepipe as it exits the building to protect the wood or wallboard around it from catching fire. Remember: just because most of your kind is dead, fire safety is still no joke.
Now that you are barricaded and warm with a homemade hope chest full of canned goods(Don’t forget your Swiss Army knife, matches, and candles) you can relax and wait for a neat plot twist to develop!
..................................................to be contiued.

THE BELOVED DICTATOR

There are many things about this country I would change if I were the dictator. I say 'dictator' and not 'president' because I know I could never get anything accomplished with our present set-up. I would not be one of those mean dictators, however. I would be a beloved dictator. People would hang pictures of me in their homes without a mandate. People would salute me when I walked by, not out of fear, but because of my fab ideas and winning personality. Lets begin with all few ideas now and we will revisit this idea as my dictatorial campaign rolls on.
Idea #1: How do we fix heath care? This is simple, and we will fix many other things with the solution. The answer: abolish the insurance industry. Insurance companies make huge profits every year because they scare us into paying them tons of money just in case we get really sick. The fact is that most people with insurance do not get so sick that they use up all the money that they put in. The rest goes in the pockets of the insurance companies. There is more than enough money floating around in the insurance industry to provide simple, preventative care for everyone in this country if no one had to worry about the almighty profit margin. All of the out of insurance agents can get real jobs actually helping people.
Idea #2: How do we win the war on terror? Answer: Don't fight it. Trying to win a war against terrorism is like challenging the ground to a game of chicken while sky-diving. We used to be the terrorists back in the day when the British owned our country. How did that work out? There are always going to be more terrorists because you are just going to piss-off terrorists-to-be when you kill the existing terrorists. So unless you're prepared to kill everyone in the area and start over (which is probably illegal and gets you in the express line to Hell at any rate) you need a non-violent strategy. Here it is. Terrorists have followers and get more followers because of the respect gained from their supposed righteousness and probably a little fear. BUT WHO IS AFRAID OF JUST ONE MAN. You have to earn some credibility in order to lead others. Killing your followers if they don't follow gets you nothing but dead followers. Instead of fighting, lets use our best weapon: THE MEDIA. Whip up thousands of leaflets that show said terrorist watching Cinemax and drinking wine coolers with George Bush. Release films of him making out with farm animals. Immediately release a fake response to this having an actor play him and dig himself further in the hole with dozens of subtle slips of the tongue. I'm sure Quentin Tarentino would be up to it. The terrorists reputation would be toast in no time. Draft the cast of SNL. Get Speilberg in there with some CGI!
Idea #3: The drug problem. How do we solve the drug problem? Legalize everything, keep it from crossing state lines, and make drugs only available for sale at farmers markets. This includes alcohol and tobacco. Certain areas would have certain drugs and that would be that. Who would want to traffic heroin when you can buy some high-quality, cheap homegrown weed right here? We can keep big companies from making huge profits and ban advertising of drugs altogether.
Oh, I've got tons of ideas. You got a problem with this country and I will come up with a way to fix it. REIGN ON, OH BELOVED RULER!

THE TOILET

The toilet is possibly one of the worst inventions ever. It is as if the inventor of the toilet wanted to intentionally make it the most disgusting device ever created. The toilet is more disgusting than anything that goes into it.
Design-wise, the toilet is a real piece of work. There are dozens of nooks and crannies that filth can get into. It is nearly impossible to get it out without a toothpick and a cotton swab. Any moisture that gets on the seat drips down onto the rim and outside of the bowl. It takes over an hour to clean it enough to dirty it up again! Perhaps this was done intentionally years ago to waste a good portion of the average housewife's day.
Besides the many design flaws, flushing a toilet in America uses gallons of perfectly good drinking water and makes it undrinkable for millennia. One flush uses more water than the average person needs to drink each day to survive. Every time we flush a toilet in America, we may as well simultaneously flip off someone living in Sub-Saharan Africa.
What is the toilet doing INSIDE of our homes, anyway. Instead of pooping indoors, why didn't we just upgrade the outhouses a little? Why put the toilet right next to the place that we bathe or brush our teeth? Far better to poop as far away from where we do the rest of our other daily activities.
Public toilets are the worst(at least in the men's room). If you are lucky enough to be the first squatter that day in that restroom, you might not have a completely horrible experience. I say 'not completely horrible' because it is, after all, a public restroom and it is going to be a little horrible. Some guy always breaks off the coat hook on the stall door so you end up having to try to stuff your coat in the handicap rail by the toilet. There is plenty of graffiti to read, but most of it is unimaginative at best. Unless the restroom was power-washed or detailed by some janitorial ninja, there will most likely be evidence of past poopy smears below the paper dispenser which is always lovely.
It's the 21rst century for Pete's sake. Shouldn't we have self-cleaning, composting toilets or cool 'Dune' suits that recycle our fecal matter and such. When is modern science going to deal with this crap?