THE COMPARISON TO JESUS

I like Jesus.
I just wanted to get that idea across before I blaspheme a lot. At least that's how others would see it. I like Jesus. I don’t worship Jesus, I just think he was a really cool guy. I think we would have a lot in common if we actually got a chance to kick back and have a few beers on a warm summer night or do a little hiking together. I know what you’re thinking. What does this guy have in common with the great J.C.?
1. We both have weird ideas that alienate us and anger a lot of people. You’ve read some of my other stuff. Can you imagine the reception I would have gotten if I read my posts aloud in the Middle East in the year 30 C.E.? Jesus would have had it a lot easier if blogging existed back then.
2. We both have performed miracles. One time my car stalled on a hill and I couldn’t stop it from rolling towards this reservoir. The brakes had failed. I got out and ran around to the front bummer. I grabbed on with both hands and was dragged along the road. My sandals (Jesus wore sandals also) fell off, but eventually the car stopped rolling. No one was there to see it, but how many people actually witnessed the whole walking on water thing? Also, last week I threw a wadded up tissue like 25 feet and it went in this keg cup on the window sill. This guy at church saw it and everything! You can ask him.
3. We are both very peaceful people. I hate war. I don’t believe in the death penalty and I’m a vegetarian. I have never actually even hit anyone in anger. I don’t spank my kids, either.
4. We both wear the same clothes all the time. Jesus went for the whole sandals and white robe. I prefer the black Ramones T-shirt and Levis thing. Tomato To-mah-toe.
5. I also plan on living forever.
6. Jesus grew long hair and a beard even though he lived in a hot climate, I shave myself bald even though I live in a cold climate.
7. My Mom was actually a virgin. This was, of course, actually before my older brother was born, but that’s pretty close these days.
I was just thinking about this because Easter was coming up this week and my sister is a Born-Again. I just wanted to say that I actually do like Jesus. I think we’re a lot alike. If you get to talk to him, ask him if he thinks so too.